October 5, 2010

This week was bound to come sometime -- the one where absolutely everything that could have gone wrong went horribly array.  It was ironic that the previous weekend we (my house mates and I) had a lengthy discussion of how inadequate we feel in every facet of life right now.  I don´t think any of us feel qualified to be here.   I have certainly not completed any task set before me with any sort of grace or tact.  I just returned home from 90 minutes of catechism with 20 nine and ten year-olds.  Of course, the teacher didn´t show up.  Once again I fumbled through class, completely unprepared (and calling on Aaron to save me once again).  Every time I walk down the street, someone stops me for a friendly conversation.  Every time I leave the conversation, maybe I understand half of what they said and maybe only 75% of what I said!  I can´t even buy groceries without having to point at the carrots, saying "una libra de esos por favor,"…. I’m completely frustrated that after 7 weeks as I still cannot remember the dang word for carrot.  Our work sites are just at daunting - we made a community (house mates) decision to remind each other that we are volunteers.  Whatever we do here is something that would be lacking if we were not here.  As long as we don´t make things worse (stay out of the red) we are doing our job.  Unrealistic expectations will only weigh us down.

Ironically, I went to work Monday morning after these fabulous realizations to find that I was “in the red.”  I thought I was saving electricity when I turned off the little black box beside my computer last Friday.  When my computer didn´t light up as I pushed the power button and I caught a whiff of burnt wires, it clicked.  Yup, I turned off the surge protector.  In my efforts to save the planet, I successfully fried my computer.   All the work I have done the last two months was gone.  Nuts.

The rest of the week followed suit as my luck continued to flounder.  Tuesday morning, my bus was 45 minutes late - just enough time to miss the HIV talk (which I am supposed to be giving in a few weeks).  Wednesday, all of Monte Sinai was supposed to come to a meeting about the upcoming health brigade, and collect their tickets for the event.  Unfortunately, my boss forgot to tell me that the tickets were my responsibility.  I have never felt so helpless as a herd of desperate mothers lined up at my table demanding a guaranteed visit with the pediatrician, gynecologist, etc.  I am not quite sure how we got out of that pickle. 

On Thursday and Friday, I spent my days trying to find all the houses that Carlos and I had visited previously, to deliver tickets for the brigade.    People are starting to recognize me in the streets – and they still think I am a doctor.  That said, word spreads like wildfire that the ”doctor” is outside.  The locals think that they might as well grab their X-rays and cat-scans and chase me down for a diagnoses!  Needless to say, I had spent more time listening to extensive medical histories in the street than actually delivering tickets for the brigade.  Carlos and Alexis think it´s funny to see the panicked look on my face when another person emerges from their house yelling my name...  it actually is humorous - just because it is so ridiculous. 

Saturday we had the health brigade.  I had prepared myself by expecting the absolute worst possible situation.  To my surprise, everything ran unusually smoothly!  I cannot express the relief I felt when the doctors who we had recruited for the Saturday health clinic actually showed up.  The cardiologist was the only no-show, so of course I became the stand-in cardiologist for the day.  I even had a little waiting area of plastic chairs and a nurse (Carlos), ha-ha.  We had a whopping 14 patients for EKGs, and I think they were all pretty satisfied with their care.  I gave myself a gold star for that one (only gold star of the week)....  :)

So, what did I learn from a crazy and frustrating week?  I learned that it pays to let go.  It may be impossible to stay out of¨ "the red" while I am here.  I can´t really blame myself for the computer incident if nobody told me what the little black box was for.  If I depend on public transportation (like the majority of people in Ecuador and ALL the people in Monte Sinai), I have to accept that I am rarely (if ever) going to be on time.  I can worry about all the ways that I could have prepared better from the health brigade, but it saves a tremendous amount of anxiety accepting that I am not going to walk into my job and do everything perfectly.  Here in Ecuador, the language barrier, the culture, and the system have made it literally impossible to function up to the standards that I want to set for myself.  I have accepted this and I am moving on.  I may not feel qualified, and I may have failed more that I like to admit, but I am trying!  That is all anyone ever asked of me.